Tag Archives: humor

Dec4

The Truth About Those Christmas Letters

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Here they come…the Christmas cards. I admit I love to see them in my mailbox. I like to open them and catch up on and celebrate all that has happened in my friends’ lives. I even enjoy the whole process of sending my own card complete with my not-so-perfect family photo. Not of me, of course, but of the young people in my family who are thinner than I.

But I have to admit. Sometimes the Christmas letters included inside the card make me feel inadequate. It seems like the whole world is moving on fast forward while I’m simply treading water. Everyone else is taking exotic vacations while I’m only carpooling. Other people’s kids win awards and scholarships. My friends receive promotions and opportunities that seem to elude my family. What is wrong with me/us?

In order to maintain just a little bit of self-esteem, I’ve decided that these Christmas letters are mainly overstated hype. They have become the reality TV shows of the holidays.  Surely these families employ publicists who put a positive spin on everything that happens in their lives. Those PR professionals are probably the ones who actually write the Christmas letters.

As a public service to the world at large, I’ve decided to provide a translation to all the other folks who are feeling as inadequate as I am when they receive these fake letters.

Here is what the Christmas letters really mean.  I promise.

“Jim has accepted a new position with the largest corporation in America. He is excited about the growth potential there.”

Really means…

Jim has been unemployed for eight months this year and is now a Walmart Greeter. There is nowhere to go but up.

“Our son was offered a full scholarship to several colleges. We are so proud of his accomplishments!”

Really means…

We are homeless and on food stamps. Since we are now penniless our “indigent” status qualified him for full tuition.

“Susie, our sixteen year old, loves children and plans to seek a career in which she can help them grow and develop into their full potential.”

Really means….

Susie is pregnant out-of-wedlock and will be raising her child alone. She will be a teacher’s aide at a daycare center in exchange for free babysitting for her child. She will be working on her GED at night.

“We decided to fulfill a lifelong dream and travel around the world. We’ve been to Paris, Jamaica, Australia, and Bermuda. We spent last week in Norway in a beautiful hotel made entirely of ice.”

Really means…

Hubby is a Wall Street tycoon accused of a Ponzie scheme. We are on the run burning up funds from our Swiss accounts before the authorities catch us and lock us away.

“We have relocated and have decided to finally embrace the technology era to communicate with our friends. Our current email address is successfulcouple@winner.net  We have recently written a bestseller together.

Really means…

We had to walk away from our home when the bank foreclosed. We are now living in our brother-in-law’s old car checking our email in the public library. If you want to know the location of every store open twenty-four hours with a restroom, we have the best-selling ebook on Amazon.com.

OK.  There you have it…the real truth about those Christmas letters.  Do you feel better now?  I know I do.

Dec2

Move Over David Letterman

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No, I don’t have a nationally broadcast program on television.  If I were a celebrity people would care about my thoughts.  Heck, people would beg for my views.  If I were famous (or even infamous) I’d have a publisher chasing me around waving a contract in his hand with a ghost writer close beside him.  If I were a Wall Street type who had embezzled millions, even my family could get rich writing about how terrible I am and how innocent they are.

But I’m none of those things.  I’m just a gal who likes to write.  I enjoy commenting on some of the inspiring things I see and some of the absurdities I notice, hopefully with a little humor thrown into the mix.

But just for today I’m going to pretend that I am David Letterman.  Stay with me now.  I don’t have a team of  humor writers or a camera on me though.   I just have my thoughts, my blog and my faithful readers.

 Dauna Easley’s Top Ten Things I Dread about the Holidays 

#10  Dragging all the tubs full of Christmas decorations up from the basement.

#9    Watching my bank account balance plummet.

#8   Stores that make me shop at midnight on the day I’ve prepared a family feast.

#7   Tangled Christmas lights, or worse, those that work just long enough to string them up.

#6   Greed.  People who are jealous of another person’s gift.

#5  Being in charge of decorating, baking, mailing, shopping, wrapping, and cooking.

#4  Begging and then arguing with family members about helping.

#3   Commercials that run 500 times per day for a toy every kid wants but is unavailable in stores.

#2  Impatient shoppers and rude store clerks.  Bah humbug.

AND….the number one reason I dread Christmas….is…

#1  Taking down the decorations and dragging all those tubs back to the basement after all the fun is over.

Now…lest I seem like a total Grinch…keep reading

Dauna Easley’s Top Ten things I Love about the Holidays

#10  Repeating any family tradition and marking things off my to-do list.

#9  Sitting around the fireplace eating peppermint ice cream.

#8  Attending children’s Christmas plays and concerts-the younger the kids the greater the fun.

#7  An early unexpected snowfall, especially on Christmas Eve or while shopping.

#6  Driving around and looking at Christmas lights with family.

#5  Seeing our outside decorations complete…the effort, groaning, and arguments involved forgotten.

#4  Listening to Christmas music while baking cookies with children.

#3  Knowing I have the perfect gift for anyone.  Watching their face as they open it.

#2  Remembering the reason for the season.  Filling up with peace and gratitude.

And…the number one thing I LOVE about the holidays….is…

#1  The day after Christmas when all the work is done.

Nov30

Dear Santa,

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Yesterday I began my Christmas shopping.  Call me a coward, but I avoided Black Friday altogether.  I knew I had made the right decision long before I saw the video of the lady who pepper sprayed fellow shoppers to get the deal she wanted.  Lunacy.

But yesterday I was optimistic.  I knew of a store that opened at 7 am on a weekday and I decided to be an early bird.  I arrived at 7:15 and was actually the first customer in the store.  Score!  But then I started thinking.  “How big or real could this sale be, if I am the first person to arrive?”  It seemed like everyone else knew something I didn’t know.  Immediately I started feeling ‘out of the loop’. Can you say, ‘schmuck’? 

The store was in disarray, like a giant swarm of locusts had recently eaten all the edible stuff.  All the clerks who might have helped me were busy restocking shelves. Skids full of new products blocked the aisles   An hour and twenty minutes later I left that store with three small items.  I’m usually a flash shopper.  I don’t shop for fun.  I arrive.  I go directly to the item for which I am shopping.  I check out.  Ninety minutes for three items, one of which I was unsure about?  What is happening to my game? 

There weren’t any lines in this store!  The day even had a little snow-the best kind-snow that looked pretty falling down, settled on the grass but wouldn’t stick to the roads. Piped in Christmas music was playing over the store’s speakers.  The atmosphere was perfection.  What was wrong with me?

I’ve figured it out.  The young people for whom I shop have moved from ages with one digit to ages that start with a one.  What a dirty trick.  I’ve moved from fun shopping to mystery shopping with expensive price tags. The things they now want  don’t have names like “truck” or “doll”.  Their lists are full of brands, letters and numbers that make no sense but demand mega money.  They want IPUDS, MP5s, DQD’s with cell inter-links, weez, Jboxes, wyfy and gigibutts.  They want items the size of a postage stamp that cost hundreds of dollars and make no sense whatsoever to me.  How much fun is it to leave a store with a purchase the size of a sandwich bag and a receipt that says “You’re poor.” ?

I decided to write a letter of complaint. Who would care?  But I had to give it a try.  My sanity was on the line.

Dear Santa,

How I miss the toy store!  Couldn’t you and your elves create and deliver the technology gifts and leave the toy shopping to the adults who need some fun in their lives for Christmas?  Think of it as updating the mission statement of your North Pole location…meeting the needs of your twenty-first century,,,uh… customers.

I promise I’ll be good,

Frazzled

Tomorrow I’ll find me a mall with a Santa and deliver my letter.  I no longer have the money to mail it.  Are there any malls left?  The rules change so fast I can’t keep up.  Cross your fingers for me.  We are all in this together.

 

Nov26

The Family Picture

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One of our least popular Thanksgiving traditions is to take a family photo to put in the yearly Christmas card.. That sounds innocent and easy enough. Not so.

As soon as the process begins there seems to be endless grumbling about it. If a dress attire is suggested the moans begin. If no wardrobe is required someone doesn’t like what they chose to wear anyway. Some pout. Others run around and refuse to come to the photo location. Everyone has their own suggestion for a pose. Directors abound. Smiles are scarce. It seems impossible for everyone to stand still, smile, and look at the camera at the same time on cue. Batteries die. Noses run. Kids sneeze. Someone owns a camera they don’t know how to work. Furniture must be moved. Participants crab about the sun in their eyes, the person adjacent to them and their zits.   Some family members are committed to blatant sabotage to this yearly event.

Constantly comes the question voiced in a whining tone, “Why do we have to get our picture taken?”

So we can prove we are thankful for our big happy family in our Christmas card. So hush up and smile!

Who is responsible for this loathsome task?  That would be me.  “Someday,”  I tell myself (and them), “They will be grateful that they have this photo history.”  But I fear that gratitude will only come posthumously. In fact, I fear they are creating a plan to make me posthumous.

Nov23

The Wish

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Yesterday I had a pizza lunch with two kindergarten boys.  Making an attempt to start a conversation, I asked a question typical of an adult.

“Well boys, Thanksgiving is only two days away.  What are you two thankful for?”

The first one said he was thankful that he could get to a particular level of Super Mario.  Genuine gratitude- untainted by adult suggestions.

The second one said he was thankful that they made ‘budder’ in school today.  Apparently his kindergarten class had made butter by taking turns shaking cream in a jar.

Then he burst into a butter-making  song that went something like this. (Think Elmer Fudd here).

“Thake the budder heah, thake the budder theah, thake the budder all awound and ev…whe.. waya!”

He sang with such enthusiasm his buddy joined in.  They were shaking their hands in large circles as they repeated this chant.   After about twelve identical verses of this jingle I decided I’d try a diversionary tactic.  (I’m not their mudder so I couldn’t demand they quit.)

“Boys, I said, “It’s not long before the holidays.  What are you wishing for?”

The boy who had not yet discovered his “r’s” said. “I wish the man in the big twuck hadn’t come and filled in the big pothole by our bus stop.  It’s waining and today would be a gweat day to jump in it.”

“Yeah” said the second boy.  “But now it’s gone.”  They shared a sad look with each other.

“Boys,” I said, “Here’s some good news.  In just a few months your pothole… will… be… back!”

They were so excited they cheered a loud cheer pumping hands in the air with half chewed pizza on display in their wide open mouths.

Simple, pure, kindergarten wishes.  Let’s hear it for the potholes!

Nov22

The Sneak

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While everyone complains about the absurdity of rushing the Christmas season forward, I must confess I have been “sneak listening” to Christmas music in my car for weeks.  So sue me.  I love Christmas music.  The day after Halloween there is a local station that begins playing Christmas music 24/7.

How do I “sneak listen”?  I turn off my satellite radio stations.  I can’t seem to find an early holiday station there.  Hey Sirius XM, are you nuts?  Then I reset my dial to my All Holiday music local station.  BUT If anyone else enters my car I switch the channel immediately.  Why?  I don’t want to be the butt of jokes.  I don’t want to hear the lecture about how outrageous it is for the radio to be playing Christmas music so soon.  Not interested.  Can you see me with my fingers in my ears?

Each song I hear takes me back to a former Christmas memory.  It’s a pleasant walk down holiday memory lane.  If I think about it, I believe this disease started early for me.  I remember playing and replaying and replaying a Christmas album when I was a kid.  I wouldn’t stop until I knew every word.  Back then I knew three and four verses of the standard Christmas carols.

But yesterday as I listened, I was thinking about the economics of it.  Isn’t it the writer of a song that gets paid every time a song is played on the radio?  I’m not an expert on this.  But if that is true, wouldn’t writing a holiday tune be the most lucrative thing going?  Year after year that song would be played over and over on the radio.  It wouldn’t fade away like a top forty hit.  Mostly I don’t begrudge that system.  A great song deserves its reward.  But that guy whose grandma got run over by a reindeer and the kid who wanted a hippo for Christmas have to be laughing their guts out at those of us want two months of Christmas music each year.  That makes me feel a little silly.

Yep, I think I’ll keep my early holiday music on the down low.

Nov19

Thankful for Overlooked Blessings

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The pressure is on.  Here comes Thanksgiving and we all know we need to focus on our “thankful list”.  Will we have to recite them around the table?  Or maybe we will be required to write an essay about them.  It’s best to be prepared.  Naturally, we are all thankful for health, freedom, family, friends, the military, and a great turkey.  Those are required thankfuls:  Thankful 101.

It would be blasphemous to talk about bills, unemployment, gas prices, bad knees and the economy on Thanksgiving.  So we won’t go there.

I’ve decided to try and identify more obscure items for which to give thanks…wonderful but mostly overlooked.  Let’s hear it for the things we appreciate but never mention, unless they are missing or malfunctioning.  This list could go on and on… like that Titantic song.

  • Envelopes with those peel away papers so you don’t have to lick the glue. Yay!
  • Garage door openers.
  • Stores that actually carry shoes with wide or narrow widths.  Not many on that list.
  • Caller ID!  How did we survive before caller ID?
  • Trash cans located near where you open the mail.
  • Spell check.
  • Geraniums:  the only flower that seems to still thrive on my neglectful ways.
  • Disposable roaster pans that you don’t have to clean. (my apologies to environmentalists)
  • Prelit Christmas trees.  (See I can be “green”).
  • Free long distance.  What exactly were we paying for all those years?
  • Stores that stay open 24 hours.
  • Remote controls that aren’t missing.
  • Cell phones that are missing when I’m trying to have a nice face to face conversation.
  • Smiling store clerks.  (They deserve double their weight in blessings.)
  • Glue sticks for kindergarten teachers.
  • Libraries that email to remind me when my books are due.
  • Hotels with free cookies.  Any place with free cookies.
  • Stores that don’t ask me to fill out a survey about their service really to get my email address.
  • Car seats that warm my toosh in the winter.  I’ve never owned any, but a girl can dream.
  • The Do Not Call legislation.  Best work of politicians in a decade.
  • Stores that really open all their check out lanes.
  • Roomy seats on jets.  Just kidding.
  • Money machines.
  • People who take the time to read my blog.

                                                     Can you add to my list?  

Nov18

Confessions of a List…aholic

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Hi.  My name is Dauna; and I am a listaholic.   I make lists to organize my days.  That’s what I tell the world.  Frequently, however, I get carried away.  I’ve been known to write two or three things I’ve already done that day on the top of my list because I want “credit for them.”  Scrapbookers, who plan their vacations around the photo opportunities their destinations will provide, will understand this point of view.  It’s a disease.

I love scratching things off my list after I complete them.  It makes me feel powerful, valuable, and efficient… like Wonder Woman with a pen and a much bigger costume.

“What did you do today, honey?”

“Look, here’s my list.  See how looooong it is.”

Any time there is an article in a magazine about making lists I read it. Let’s be honest, I could write these articles.  I can visualize the list of bullets I could include in my article.  It would be a beautiful list about making lists. One wonderful suggestion they always write in these articles is to do the thing you dread the most, FIRST.  Great advice, but hard to execute.

For the past three days I have had the same most dreaded item (make a call about my health benefits) on my list.  Do you know how upsetting it is to have the same top dread on my list for three days in a row?  Paralyzing.  Failure is having everything crossed off your list at the end of the day while the one most distasteful item glares back at you.   Each day it peers back at you the stress builds.  It’s enough to give a listaholic nightmares.

I’m proud to announce I called about my health benefits today.  Ahhh.  What a relief.  (There’s a reason I didn’t write this article yesterday).  Tomorrow my list will be fresh.  No festering reruns.  That is really fortunate because with Thanksgiving only a week away my lists seem to be consuming steroids while I’m not looking.

But my conscience won’t be clear until I make one more confession.  What I’m writing now is my blog for tomorrow.  I will save it overnight.  When I get up tomorrow the first thing on my list will be “Write and post blog entry.”  I’ll hit one button and then cross it immediately off my list. Tomorrow is going to be a great day.