Faking It

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 No, sorry.  This is not a post about the kind of faking Meg Ryan demonstrated for Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally.  Not that it wouldn’t make a great post.   It would be a wonderful topic to explore.

This topic is just not for me.  Well, not for today anyway.  Another time when thousands of people aren’t reading my blog and you and I are just talking alone…with a bottle of wine…maybe then we can discuss that kind of faking it.

This is a post about other ways women “fake it” especially during the holidays.  Let’s be honest we women are great at faking things.  We’ve grown up learning to fake.  Our mothers taught us how.

When a guy in our lives says, “Do you have something on your mind?”  We say, “No,” even if we have recently hired a hit man to avoid divorce court.

When a friend says, “Do these pants make my butt look smaller?”   We say, “Yes.”  And then we plan to hang out with her while she is wearing them, so our butt will look smaller in comparison.

There are so many ways to fake during the holidays. And frankly we deserve all the fake help we can get. After all we are the ones doing all the shopping, mailing, wrapping, decorating and cleaning. I say, “Fake away, gals! You’ve earned the right.”

Some Great “Fake Ideas” to Try for the Holidays

  • Use Photoshop for the family photo. We could erase pounds and wrinkles from ourselves and leave the rest of the family sporting their zits and belly rolls. I’m pretty sure my former college roomie does this. She couldn’t possibly look that good after all these years.

  • Thomas Edison may have invented the light bulb, but I’m fairly certain it was a woman who created the first gift wrap bag. God bless her. She is my hero. Plop it in, throw tissue on top, done! My hubby misses boxes you could unwrap but he has never wrapped a present in his life. His vote doesn’t count.

  • Use your computer to fake shop.  Play Christmas music in the house to pretend you are at the mall.
  • Use your empty Christmas storage tubs to sweep all the junk mail and other crap off surfaces to fake clean.  Put the lid on the tub and stuff it somewhere to go through after Christmas.  If you’re lucky it will get lost and you’ll never have to deal with it.
  • Precooked, presliced honey baked ham also had to be the brainchild of a woman.  I say, “Pay the exorbitant prices or better yet, put it on the list of a male guest to bring.”  Meal half done.
  • I have a friend who shall remain nameless (in case her son reads this) who makes her mother’s time honored traditional sausage dressing by frying up some sausage and adding it to boxed Stove Top stuffing.  You go girl.
  • Bob Evans mashed potatoes taste better than mine. Lots of people wouldn’t have the courage to admit that…but I’m a gutsy girl.  Caution:  Take them out of the plastic container and don’t use the microwave. Warm them in a saucepan and as guests arrive fake taste them.  Add a plop of butter and salt and pepper.  They will all be fooled.  The truth is they taste as good made in the microwave…but remember, our goal is faking the real deal.
  • I used to bake.  Now I fake bake.  Here’s the truth; those tube cookies you slice and even those cookies all ready sliced and ready to just slide in the oven smell just as good while they’re baking, as the ones where you had to sift the flour and separate the eggs. When you taste them it’s a different story.  But during the holidays we can’t be bothered with details.  We can’t be expected to fake the scent and the taste.  Get real.
  • If you take this a step further and actually buy your cookies instead of even fake baking them, I suggest you buy a Yankee candle to burn to simulate cooking.  My favorite Yankee scent is Christmas Cookie.  I buy them the day after Christmas at half price.  Then I can fake bake all year.
  • If you can’t sing carols because you have the vocal cords of a frog, just move your lips.  If you wear a Santa hat while lip syncing everyone will think you are the lead singer.
  • Fake iron the tablecloth by throwing it in the dryer for a few minutes on permanent press with a wet towel to dampen the wrinkles out.  Who am I kidding?  I don’t use a tablecloth. I use a fake tablecloth.  And fake napkins.  If they have a picture on them I call them designer linens.
  • Buy your cranberry salad from the Kroger deli and put it in a festive glass bowl in your fridge.  Throw away the container and take the trash to the garage before your guests arrive.  Use this same technique for bagged salad makings, gravy in a jar, and the price code on your homemade cheese ball.

Warning.  Never share any of this inside information with a man or your picky neighbor or sister-in-law.  You know who I’m talking about.   It would be a breach to the Fakers Code of Honor and next year I would have to write a blog about you…the loathsome gal who ruined faking it for women everywhere.  I’d put your unphotoshopped photo where Meg Ryan’s face is today and add the audio.   So don’t test me.

9 responses »

  1. An Easter faking list would be wonderful!! Especially in my household. Newsflash family: Just because I went to culinary school DOES NOT mean that I want to make everything from scratch for the 40+ people in attendence!

    Another wonderful post, Dauna!! Your blog is looking fantastic!

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